Can a Woman Catch a Break?

Shh… before Amara starts yarning his plenty english, let me give you the gist first:

I no go lie, when I first hear say Mercy “shapely” Johnson don find man to marry, e pain me small for body. I come dey think to myself say: “Nna, water don pass garri o! I been get one kind mind for that kele – *ahem* how does Amara put it again sef? – ‘I was making elaborate plans of inviting her to the PWAN mansion where she will be delicately and lavishly hosted’ (I can sound like him when I want sha)”. The thing wey pain me be say the news take style pour sand sand for that garri. If na Amara now e go say: “I felt the grief anyone would feel when a, previously single, occupant of their subconscious fantasies (who probably has no idea that they even exist) was about to be lost to the dangerous and murky waters of marital life”. Hehe… onyibo!

Anyways, as I come dey try enter my favorite bad belle mode, na im this useless Amara begin dey hala at me:

“Bia, you stupid boy! You better be happy for her! . Na because of boobs and Ghana nyash wey dey the woman body, you no fit think straight again? Na only “kpox, kpox, kpox” dey ya mind. This na the reason why, for inside serious matter, persin no fit trust you. Oya, commot for road!” (na big big grammar wey e nack sha o… but I don forget the words, so I dey improvise)

The brain wey the both of us dey share, im come take over the thing completely… yours truly come black out (like dem dey do for inside film)

4 days ago I come manage regain control of the brain, na im I con hear gist that uhm… katakata don enter the matter. I come dey roll for ground, dey laugh – ok na lie; na quiet giggling I do – before the useless Amara go slap me.

Anyways, my belle dey sweet because I fit continue to hatch my evil plans… *wink*

*blacks out*

I can assure you that none of the nonsense my evil alter ego, Bubukov, spewed above happened. He has a penchant for making up stupid stories to embarrass me and amuse himself. I wish I could delete his comments, but we both signed an MOU for this blog – he will have equal rights to self expression, on this blog (as my esteemed self), as long as he tags the post as “Unserious Stuff”. So my hands are tied. 😦

Anyways, what I really wanted to write about is: “Why do women (aided and abetted by randy men) invent impossible conditions for themselves?” I mean, like really impossible!

Ok, so there’s some serious drama brewing around Nigerian Actress Mercy Johnson’s marriage plans. A woman named Lovely Okojie has been using the popular blogs to declare that the husband-to-be, Prince Okojie, isn’t exactly the Prince Charming that he would like us to believe he is. In fact, she claims that he is still in a marriage with her whilst planning another marriage with the Nigerian Actress of voluptuous propotions, Mercy Johnson.

And she wants her husband back!

*gasp!*

So, Lovely, you CLAIM that this man leaves you and your two kids abroad and without warning or a complete divorce, proceeds to make wedding plans with someone else… and you still want him back? You still want to “have and to hold till death do you part”? Eh? Madam lovely! How is a woman ever going to catch a break if she has to go to such lengths to keep a man that clearly doesn’t want to be kept?

It is either insufferable love, or an appetite for punishment…

…but I have never been married, hence, please excuse my ignorance.

Anyways, so on one of the blogs, Nigerians (as usual) proceed to dispense advice and comments in response to the article. Most of the comments, typically trash, have taken the concept of love and relationship to levels of ignorance never seen since the days when men thought the entire world rested on the back of an Elephant.

Here are some samples comments followed by my own “give the woman a break” retorts:

Number 1.

Lovely why are you crying fowl now,when you leave your husband to roam about,it is obvious you didn’t value your marriage…you living in Canada and hubby in Nigeria. come on,what do you expect?

My retort: Ah, so now it is the woman’s fault that a man is “left” to be roaming about?Woah… wait o! What was she supposed to do? Tie the man to an iroko tree? Or maybe she should have sprinkled “magun” on his itinerant pee pee?

Brilliant! Woman, get back to watching Africa Magic. 🙂

Number 2.

i hate to say this but mercy is stupid. before u marry a man or woman do ur research.

My retort: Apparently, you are now required to secure the services of a private investigator to scour the entire globe and verify the background and singleness of a suitor before you accept his proposal. It does not matter how long this will take… or how much it will cost. You must do it. Or else, you are stupid.

Genius! Buy yourself some moldy crackers.

And here is the one that takes the cake:

NOW I KNOW TO GET A “MAN” IS NOT EASY.. SO SUPER STAR MERCY JOHNSON, WITH ALL THAT BREAST AND BIG ASS SHE IS GIVING ALL THAT TO THIS BUSH BENIN BOY.I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN THIS ILLUSION THAT MERCY HAS FOUND HERSELF.WITH ALL THE TOAST AND GIFTS I SENT MERCY SHE NEVER WANTED TO DATE ME I WAS IN SWITZERLAND WHEN I LEARNT SHE WANTED TO MARRY.I WAS EVEN WILLING TO BUY HER A HOUSE IN ASOKORO AT THAT TIME..WELL SUCH IS LIFE SHA..TAKE HEART MERCY LUV YA, WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND LET ME KNOW AM STILL VERY SINGLE ANY WAY..DON HARRY HOPEWELL.

My retort: LMAO! I can’t… No… I can’t even retort… I’m too busy rolling on the floor and laughing my ass off! OMG!! *dead*

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9 thoughts on “Can a Woman Catch a Break?

  1. I didn’t knw the almighty Amara could get this funny. Maybe cos this is my first time here sha.
    Lovely write up and I love how d personalities merged. Of course, that 3rd comment isn’t by any sensible person. My take on this saga: If a man wants to look around, he will. Whether he’s a house-husband or an international contractor.
    It’s not by yansh, nor by boobs.
    I want her body too though 🙂

  2. lol, funny post.
    Don Harry Hopewell, i’m single and i wouldn’t mind a house in asokoro…. but buying it for me wouldn’t unsingle u sha 🙂
    …. reading comments on Lindas blog is such a trip. Not so bright people are taking over the world.

  3. *DEAD* at last comment. Seriously??????? Ppl can be so daft @ times. I feel for Mercy sha. BTW bubusn its obvious u have stopped takn ur meds, :d

  4. ROTFLMAO *faints* *wakes* *faints* *ROTFL*!!! That last ‘comment’ killed me! Chai umu nwoke sha.Hopewell ko gaswell ni! Mshewwww
    Bubukov should come out of hiding often jo,Amara free the guy hin funny wella :p

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