The Adventures of the Washers – The Oath of the Ferj a Nemferj

These are the chronicles of the great men of the Ancient Order of the Washers.
So the King, Baruch Okpabio chose these men from among the men of Sumeria:

Blazok, son of Ogirinya the warrior
Nnabloz the Chutite
Arinzev the Olukite
Anakin, the son of Aj
Kulata, the wise
Keblaade the Salamite
Skilobolo the Sheriphite
Maestrodamuz the Keluite
Festacus the son of Bubuzin and
Tomiz the Ladipite

And the King spake to them saying,
“Choose ye your territory and be Lord over it. For I shall have peace in my Land.”

When they departed from the presence of the King, the Washers assembled themselves together to determine the task before them. And the Blazok spake to the Washers thus:

“Behold let us share among us the women of Sumeria, according to their type. Lest there be war amongst us. For a man would be consumed by jealousy if his brother were to encroach upon his territory to administer ‘mosas’.”

And so it was that Blazok, the son of Ogirinya assigned unto himself all that were of blessed bosom. For such endowments pleased him greatly. Arinzev also assigned unto himself all that were of blessed hips and backside. For he declared that Blokkoz had appeared to him in a dream, charging him to be a worthy shepherd to women of such stature. Nnabloz was assigned to those with long hair. For Nerez the Prophetess had prophesied about him that he shall be entrapped by the long hair of a woman. Unto Festacus was given the mandate to comfort those in the colder lands of the North. Tomiz was given power to command the beauties of the warmer East. Unto Kulata was given the keys to those who were advanced in age. For King Baruch had decreed that they needed love too! Anakin was given to the virgins. Unto Keblaade was committed the territory of Laguza, a rich enclave of the finest Sumerian women. The Washers sent Skilobolo to the young and restless for he understood them.

And Maestrodamuz was greatly displeased that all the territories were taken, so he vowed to be the roaming washer, freely moving from territory to territory, sampling the fruits of beauty.

And so it was, that there was peace, for the Washers ministered unto the Sumerian women with zeal and devotion and there were few left that were not pleased.

But the wants of a woman are insatiable.

A time came that a group of Sumerian women named the “Nemferj” (I.e. Husbandless) came unto the King and protested heavily to him thus:

“Oh King, may it please you that we, the Nemferj, be recognized as a separate territory to the Washers, so that we might be allocated our own dedicated Washer to tend to our immense needs? For if our needs be not met nor our demands acceded to, we shall surely rebel against you and your kingdom shall fall.”

 

And the king, being distraught by this, journeyed to the isle of Utakoz, to the abode of Bubuzin, the great. And he sought counsel from the wise man. And when Bubuzin beheld the King, he welcomed him and charged virgins to wash his feet. But the King was still distraught. And Bubuzin demanded of the King, to know the matter that vexed him. And the King told Bubuzin of the demands of the Nemferj.

And Bubuzin laughed.

Then, having finished rolling on the floor with laughter, the Great Bubuzin spake to the King thus:

“Behold, oh wise and great King, this matter shalt not be a long thing. For this was foretold by the great Oracle of Utunu. Only he that hath sworn the eternal oath of Ferj a Nemferj can satisfy the Nemferj! Go, oh King. Summon unto you the Washers and demand a man, willing to sacrifice himself for this cause. For a man under the oath shalt not take a woman in marriage until his lips betouch the bossom of a Tarok virgin. If there be a volunteer, place him under the oath. If there be none, kill all the washers!”

And the King was pleased with the Great Bubuzin and gave unto him chests of gold and diamonds and many precious stones.

So the King did as he was told. And behold, Blazok, the son of Ogirinya volunteered himself for the cause. And he swore a great oath to the Nemferj and the Nemferj accepted him.

From then onwards, he was known as the Ferj a Nemferj, that is, The Husband to the Husbandless.

(Amara’s disclaimer – This blog update was brought to you by the stupid Bubukov. I’ve been taking my pills, but he won’t go away.)

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The Ancient Order of the Washers…

In 5,000 BC, in the kingdom of Sumeria in ancient  Mesopotamia, there arose a serious problem. The women of Sumeria grew restive and angry. Their complaint was simple, the men were occupied with war, farming and hunting and did not consider sexual prowess a virtue. Hence there was no joy in the bedroom and the women were scarcely satisfied.

So, the women came to beseech the great King of Sumeria, Baruch Okpabio with their complaints. Having protested to the King, they gave an ultimatum that if the problem was not resolved by the harvest of the next year, they would all defect with their daughters, to the rival kingdom, Akkadia, where the men were rumored to be virile and like “saber-toothed tigers in bed”.

The King was sore vexed with this matter as even his Queen, Zahde, had begun to show support for the idea, given that she had spent the last few months worshiping at the temple of the Blokkoz, the Akkadian god of male virility where Akkadian priests continually ministered to her.

The ritual administered by the Akkadian priests in beseeching the god Blokkoz to help satisfy a woman was known as “Mosas” which translates to “washing” in modern English.

The King consulted with his wisest advisers as to what to do to save his kingdom from absolute collapse. However, it was the great Bubuzin, his wisest adviser that spoke up to the King and said:

“Oh King, thou must select thine strongest and wisest men – men blessed and endowed by the god Blokkoz. Thou must choose them from all heights and all colors. Thou must select them in their youth. For they shall be unto you an order. And they shall learn the ways of the men of Akkadia. And they shall also be trained in other areas where a woman is to be suitably satisfied – including the skills of Mosas. Thou shall give them the freedom of our land, to serve the women of our land. They shall minister to all their needs and see to it that this serious grievance is put to rest.”

So the King, Baruch Okpabio, hearkened unto the voice of the great Bubuzin and established for himself an order. He chose 10 men, 1 each from each tribe of Sumeria. These men were chosen by the Priestesses of Blokkoz who testified that indeed they were blessed of the god Blokkoz. They were men, with honey at the tip of their tongue whose lips could keep a secret. Their order was called “Azalatetek” or in English: “The Washers”.

So it was, that these men fanned out across Sumeria and quenched the thirst in the land. The grievances of the women were taken away… and there was peace in Sumeria.

This short story was brought to you by Bubukov. Expect more installments 🙂

No Case Submission: AEPB vs. Ms. Ojo and Ms. Olofu

A relevant extract from the no case submission in the matter of AEPB vs. Ms. Ojo and Ms. Olofu

Two days ago, I wrote an account in my blog about the abduction and accusation of two Nigerian young women by the AEPB. So many comments have been made for and against. A lot of these comments have been great, some of them have been ignorant.

I have now uploaded some further information for your consideration. Please click here to read the transcript of the No Case Submission made by the counsel to the accused women which was subsequently adopted by the court.

In Nigerian law, after the close of the prosecution case, whether in a Magistrates’ Court hearing or even the Supreme Court, the defence can make a no case submission. A no case submission is an argument that, on the evidence led there is no case for the accused to answer. The question to be answered by the magistrate or judge is whether on the evidence as it stands the accused could lawfully be convicted.

In the case against Ms. Ojo and Ms. Olofu, the court adopted the no case submission and dismissed the charges.

But make sure you read the submission, its contents will alarm you! It is best viewed on your computer/laptop.

Another relevant extract from the no case submission

 

If you are female and you live in Abuja, you should be concerned…

At 2 am on the 3rd of June, 2011, Abimbola Ojo, a female corper had just emerged from a friend’s birthday party in Wuse 2. She stood on the road and hailed a cab, ostensibly looking for a ride home. As she negotiated with the cab driver for the fare, she suddenly found herself in the air. An unknown man had lifted her and was carrying her in the direction of an un-marked vehicle.

Her immediate reaction was that she was being kidnapped. So she yelled and screamed and kicked. Crying for help. Her friend, Miriam Olofu was the first to react. But the abduction was too quick. No one could prevent Abimbola from being dumped in the waiting bus and driven off into the night.

Miriam got in her SUV and trailed the bus. About eight other friends got in their cars and followed as well. While in pursuit, Miriam picked up her cell phone and called someone she knew. It was the District Police Officer (DPO) of the Garki district. She didn’t know where these unknown men were taking her friend and she was calling for help. What started as a fun night had suddenly turned into a nightmare.

In the unmarked bus, Ms. Ojo would find herself in the company of some other women. One of them was naked. Her clothes had been ripped off her body, violently. Ms. Ojo was informed that she was a prostitute and she had been apprehended by a task force under the Abuja Environmental Protection Board. Despite having her NYSC identity card on her and protesting her innocence, Ms. Ojo’s captors would have none of it. The bus load of distressed and protesting women were driven to the AEPB Compound in Area 3, Abuja.

At the AEPB Compound in Area 3, aided by gun-totting mobile police men, the task force violently offloaded these women and barricaded them in a room. Just twenty minutes after leaving a birthday party, Ms. Abimbola Ojo would find herself in one of the most humiliating circumstances of her entire life.

A bunch of her friends would soon arrive, led by Miriam. Having established that this wasn’t a bunch of faceless kidnappers, but men who were under the pay of her own government, they would proceed to walk up to them, bravely and boldly protesting their friend’s innocence. It would prove costly. They were immediately beaten and  slapped and their car tires were slashed.

They were also detained, and prostitution charges were slammed on them.

Soon after, the DPO arrived at the AEPB compound with his men. What followed wasn’t a peaceful, gentlemanly resolution of the problem. According to Ms. Ojo, the mobile police men attached to the AEPB began to shoot indiscriminately, inflicting a few injuries. This stand off did not resolve the issue and Ms. Ojo and her friends were held in the compound into the next day.

During their detention, their captors would proceed to worsen their humiliation. One by one, each woman was threatened to confess that she was a prostitute or be taken straight to the prison in Suleja. To make matters worse, a plastic table was brought in, condoms were poured on the table and journalists were invited to take pictures with these, now powerless, women portrayed as prostitutes.

They were subsequently charged to court.

Typically, this would be where the matter would die. Helpless women, having been humiliated beyond measure, with no means to fight back will give in. But, Abimbola, Miriam and their friends would refuse to be convicted of a crime that they did not commit. And they were fortunate.

Dorothy Njemanze, a young entrepreneur who had attended the same party would rally her funds and her friends to provide legal assistance to these embattled women. Motivated by the fact that she could have suffered the same fate, she would dig in to ensure that these women found justice.

Following the ruckus caused by the shoot out at the AEPB compound and as the case progressed in court, the AEPB proceeded to sponsor a few media articles seeking to paint the occurrences of 3rd June, 2011 in their favor.

However, on thursday, 11th August, 2011, the Magistrate Court in Zone 2, Abuja threw out the AEPB case against these women. The Magistrate asserted that these women had no case to answer and were exonerated of the charges leveled against them.

To put the icing on the cake, in one of the image laundering articles that took the AEPB side, the Director of AEPB was quoted as saying that the board had been mandated to arrest women loitering around the streets of Abuja after midnight.

So, after being beaten, shot at, humiliated and treated like trash, it turned out that the only thing that these women did wrong was to be FEMALE and on the streets of the capital of their own country after midnight.

For all the dirt piling up in Abuja, the streets falling apart, the pollution beginning to rise in our neighborhoods, the priority of the AEPB is to oppress an already disadvantaged group in our society, women. …and they have been doing this since 2007!

So, to the things I have learnt about Nigeria, I will add this one. That a bunch of unproductive people, who have neither been elected nor chosen by us, but under the employ of our own government can, at their own whim, suspend the applicability of the constitution to a specific group of people… and get away with it.

Someone needs to send a message to these unpatriotic elements, hiding behind our established institutions to pursue hypocritical moral agendas:

Enough is Enough!

I Wonder If They Taught You This in History Class…

Lord Frederick Lugard - The betrayed lover boy. 😀

It was to a man, who was a smart but wayward youth that Europe ceded the rights to establish Nigeria as a commercial empire and to determine it’s borders.

Sir George Dashwood Taubman Goldie flunked out of school as a child, spent time adventuring with the British Army in Egypt and Sudan and ran off with the family governess in his early twenties.  Yet, in his early 40s, the famous Berlin Conference of 1885 ceded to his Company, National Africa Company, the rights to oversee trade in the territory soon to become Nigeria and to set its borders.

And so it was that the territory Nigeria, and its borders, were defined to serve the specific interests of the Goldie family and the larger interests of the British crown.

For the next 15 years, Sir George Goldie, proceeded to brutally exploit this hard won territory to his maximum advantage. He would employ the use of force, negotiation and deception to secure hundreds of treaties with local tribesmen and chieftains guaranteeing his company access to the many resources the territory had to offer. Being that the commodity his company traded in was mostly palm oil, he had focused most of his efforts in the south, leaving most of northern Nigeria untouched.

In 1900, however, the British Crown moved to take direct control of the twin regions of north and south Nigeria. The British Government rescinded Goldie’s charter to do business in the region and paid him and his company 450,000 pounds in compensation.

So for just a little over 200 million pounds in today’s money, the British Empire purchased the rights to Nigeria – north and south.

At this time, the south was mostly under British control and in fact, there were some parts that had been under British control for over 40 years. The north, however, was a different proposition. When the British government took over in 1900 only three northern districts – Ilorin, Borgu and Kabba – were under effective British control. But that was not the only problem. Trade, the lifeblood of the British Empire was negligible in the north.

In order to foster this trade, the north had to be conquered. The British decided that Sir Frederick Lugard, born in 1858 in Madras, India was the man for the job.

So it was that a man, who had suffered a near career-ending heartbreak at the age of 29 after discovering the love of his life in bed with another man, became the conqueror of Northern Nigeria.

And he didn’t face much of a resistance. The people of the northern states were neither determined nor united to repulse the British. Years of despotic rule, slave raiding and punitive taxes had left local leaders with little support. For most, the coming of the British was a welcome relief.

There was nothing to fight for. No values to defend. No dignity left to shed precious blood for.

And the tribal disunity that facilitated the rapid conquest of Nigeria will not escape the British. In fact, they would continue to play it up and exploit it to sustain their control. But none of these divisions will be as important as the one that had been inherited from the Sir Goldie era – the north/south divide.

The conquest of the north did not yield the long term results that the British had hoped for. Britain was not earning enough in taxes and trade from the region to pay for its administration. In fact, in 1910, exports from the south amounted to 4.3m pounds (about 2bn pounds in today’s money) while those from the north did not exceed 200,000 pounds. The north was relying on southern subsidies and sizable grants from London to pay its bills. This was not acceptable to the British Government. By policy, each protectorate was to be self-funding. Therefore, there was only one simple solution. The two protectorates were to be united into one self-funding unit – under one administration and one budget.

Once again, the betrayed lovebird, Sir Frederick Lugard was the man Britain entrusted with the job to make that happen. He would go about the assignment in a way that only a man smarting from betrayal and suffering from distrust would. He would unite the administration but discourage any sense of unity and national purpose. It would serve his – and Britain’s – interests to keep the country ideologically, religiously and politically divided. A united Nigeria would have been difficult and terribly expensive for Lugard to control. However, if north and south were conveniently pitched against each other, a problem halved would be a problem solved.

So the north retained Islamic law traditions and feudal rule while the south adopted English law and welcomed Christian missionaries and education. So Nigeria was one accounting unit, one budget and one colony. But it would not be one nation. Lugard had fulfilled the letter of his assignment but he had killed the spirit of it.

Nigeria was shaped by Britain’s financial expediency and Lugard’s nervous conservatism – an entirely British creation:

Since existing as two separate territories, a series of British businessmen, adventurers and politicians had determined existence, border and political structure – sometimes to amuse or please themselves. Sir Goldie George had drawn the famous jagged lines on the map that determined which parts of what lands would comprise the country. He had done so in his own privacy, driven by his own business interests, ignorant of the histories and traditions of those involved. Lugard’s wife, Flora Shaw, also a Briton, had given Nigeria it’s name. She had proposed the name in the column she wrote for The Times of London as a play on the name of the River Niger. The British had even determined the common language Nigerians will speak: English

And in all of this, Nigerians were barely consulted, if at all.

Can a Woman Catch a Break?

Shh… before Amara starts yarning his plenty english, let me give you the gist first:

I no go lie, when I first hear say Mercy “shapely” Johnson don find man to marry, e pain me small for body. I come dey think to myself say: “Nna, water don pass garri o! I been get one kind mind for that kele – *ahem* how does Amara put it again sef? – ‘I was making elaborate plans of inviting her to the PWAN mansion where she will be delicately and lavishly hosted’ (I can sound like him when I want sha)”. The thing wey pain me be say the news take style pour sand sand for that garri. If na Amara now e go say: “I felt the grief anyone would feel when a, previously single, occupant of their subconscious fantasies (who probably has no idea that they even exist) was about to be lost to the dangerous and murky waters of marital life”. Hehe… onyibo!

Anyways, as I come dey try enter my favorite bad belle mode, na im this useless Amara begin dey hala at me:

“Bia, you stupid boy! You better be happy for her! . Na because of boobs and Ghana nyash wey dey the woman body, you no fit think straight again? Na only “kpox, kpox, kpox” dey ya mind. This na the reason why, for inside serious matter, persin no fit trust you. Oya, commot for road!” (na big big grammar wey e nack sha o… but I don forget the words, so I dey improvise)

The brain wey the both of us dey share, im come take over the thing completely… yours truly come black out (like dem dey do for inside film)

4 days ago I come manage regain control of the brain, na im I con hear gist that uhm… katakata don enter the matter. I come dey roll for ground, dey laugh – ok na lie; na quiet giggling I do – before the useless Amara go slap me.

Anyways, my belle dey sweet because I fit continue to hatch my evil plans… *wink*

*blacks out*

I can assure you that none of the nonsense my evil alter ego, Bubukov, spewed above happened. He has a penchant for making up stupid stories to embarrass me and amuse himself. I wish I could delete his comments, but we both signed an MOU for this blog – he will have equal rights to self expression, on this blog (as my esteemed self), as long as he tags the post as “Unserious Stuff”. So my hands are tied. 😦

Anyways, what I really wanted to write about is: “Why do women (aided and abetted by randy men) invent impossible conditions for themselves?” I mean, like really impossible!

Ok, so there’s some serious drama brewing around Nigerian Actress Mercy Johnson’s marriage plans. A woman named Lovely Okojie has been using the popular blogs to declare that the husband-to-be, Prince Okojie, isn’t exactly the Prince Charming that he would like us to believe he is. In fact, she claims that he is still in a marriage with her whilst planning another marriage with the Nigerian Actress of voluptuous propotions, Mercy Johnson.

And she wants her husband back!

*gasp!*

So, Lovely, you CLAIM that this man leaves you and your two kids abroad and without warning or a complete divorce, proceeds to make wedding plans with someone else… and you still want him back? You still want to “have and to hold till death do you part”? Eh? Madam lovely! How is a woman ever going to catch a break if she has to go to such lengths to keep a man that clearly doesn’t want to be kept?

It is either insufferable love, or an appetite for punishment…

…but I have never been married, hence, please excuse my ignorance.

Anyways, so on one of the blogs, Nigerians (as usual) proceed to dispense advice and comments in response to the article. Most of the comments, typically trash, have taken the concept of love and relationship to levels of ignorance never seen since the days when men thought the entire world rested on the back of an Elephant.

Here are some samples comments followed by my own “give the woman a break” retorts:

Number 1.

Lovely why are you crying fowl now,when you leave your husband to roam about,it is obvious you didn’t value your marriage…you living in Canada and hubby in Nigeria. come on,what do you expect?

My retort: Ah, so now it is the woman’s fault that a man is “left” to be roaming about?Woah… wait o! What was she supposed to do? Tie the man to an iroko tree? Or maybe she should have sprinkled “magun” on his itinerant pee pee?

Brilliant! Woman, get back to watching Africa Magic. 🙂

Number 2.

i hate to say this but mercy is stupid. before u marry a man or woman do ur research.

My retort: Apparently, you are now required to secure the services of a private investigator to scour the entire globe and verify the background and singleness of a suitor before you accept his proposal. It does not matter how long this will take… or how much it will cost. You must do it. Or else, you are stupid.

Genius! Buy yourself some moldy crackers.

And here is the one that takes the cake:

NOW I KNOW TO GET A “MAN” IS NOT EASY.. SO SUPER STAR MERCY JOHNSON, WITH ALL THAT BREAST AND BIG ASS SHE IS GIVING ALL THAT TO THIS BUSH BENIN BOY.I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN THIS ILLUSION THAT MERCY HAS FOUND HERSELF.WITH ALL THE TOAST AND GIFTS I SENT MERCY SHE NEVER WANTED TO DATE ME I WAS IN SWITZERLAND WHEN I LEARNT SHE WANTED TO MARRY.I WAS EVEN WILLING TO BUY HER A HOUSE IN ASOKORO AT THAT TIME..WELL SUCH IS LIFE SHA..TAKE HEART MERCY LUV YA, WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND LET ME KNOW AM STILL VERY SINGLE ANY WAY..DON HARRY HOPEWELL.

My retort: LMAO! I can’t… No… I can’t even retort… I’m too busy rolling on the floor and laughing my ass off! OMG!! *dead*

General Gist: 09-08-2011 – CDGG, Naija Women, Football etc…

Committee for the Demystification of Government and Governance… (Updates)

I put up a post yesterday about forming this committee and installing myself as its Chairman. Since then, I have got some for feedback about my “laudable” idea and how useful it would be in moving our nation forward. None of the feedback opposed or questioned my position as “Chairman” (well, except one, which I am going to ignore since it isn’t aligned with my “transformation agenda”).

So I have given this some thought and I have decided as follows:

1. To recruit new members to the committee (as long as each member swears an oath of allegiance to the chairman)

2. That we will operate like the “Adjustment Bureau” dudes… complete with the Fedora hats. Not figured out yet how we can pass through “substrates” but I will form a sub-committee for the actualization of that ambition.

3. We need a logo (coat of arms), website, and a Terms of Reference… (this is where I need your help – suggest ideas to me… so I can say “its not my idea!”)

Over the weekend…

First of all, @dadashnami, @eddiemadaki and @sirUyi rock. Because of these great people, my Saturday can be described as a blast! Thank you Grotto, Abuja.

Arsenal lost again. I don’t know how else to be hopeful. Now I wish I had “decked” Wenger when I ran into him in June at Heathrow Airport.

But it will be a long, hard season for us gunners. I am bracing myself for it.

Nigerian women with bad attitude: So why do we have this problem? Ok, so you are pretty and smart have big hips/boobs and every man wants you… hence you have to be a social porcupine – ready to shoot darts at anything that crosses your self-imposed perimeter of insecurity. Not saying, don’t be firm in resisting unwanted advances, but it is a cultured and confident woman that is capable of managing the pressures of being attractive with grace and modesty (and not every social contact with the opposite sex is an advance… if you get what I mean).

The irony of this is that when these women eventually lower their guards, they do so for the wrong reasons. There are certain aspects in life where betting on the big gorilla (presumably a loaded one) isn’t necessarily #winning.

So, to whom it may concern, don’t be a weist!

Saudi Arabia 0 – 2 Nigeria: We faced our first real test in the U-20 FIFA World Cup in Colombia on Saturday and we sailed through. I was particularly impressed by our ability to take the few opportunities we had. I also have a thing for long range goals (ironic for an Arsenal fan)… which we have been scoring a lot of…

Ok, so the age thing is an issue. I am paying attention to the discussions around it. Following @Ikwerreman’s tweets on the issue has been very insightful. Not to make any excuses, I do think we have improved over the years in this area, although not as much as we should. It is frustrating that we can’t completely enjoy a victory in an age grade competition without age-cheating casting a guilty shadow.

What I am working on at the moment…

Technology initiatives for governance and development with @nnabros, @ebyboi, @blazeotokpa and a few others. Will give updates on this from time to time… but we have been meeting and putting together some frameworks.

Enough is Enough RSVP project documentation: Working with the EIE family on this one. Details later, but it’s exciting!!

Broadband Blueprint and Framework for Nigeria – Work related.

Reading list:

My Nigeria – Peter Cunliffe-Jones; Nigerian National e-Infrastructure Strategy 2011 (NITDA), The First National Implementation Plan for NV20:2020 (vol I & vol II).

If anyone is reading these… we can discuss. 🙂